Ladies Only
by Rhin Ariel
Summary: John finds out about girls poker night and decides to spy on them. I wonder what'll happen if he gets caught?


This is blamed on watching 'Duet' four times and listening to Aerosmith on repeat.

Disclaimer: I don't own them, ergo, don't sue me.

Ladies only

"Hello Rodney, what can I do for you?"

Rodney glared at Carson as he cradled his arm to his chest.

"I hurt my arm."

"Doing what?"

"That is none of your business."

Rodney pushed past Carson and took a seat on one of the beds.

"I need to know."

Carson walked over to Rodney and stood with his arms folded. Seeing that he wasn't going to be treated if he didn't answer, he gave up.

"I was working out if you must know."

"Working out Rodney, and why would you want to do that?"

"Well, I did have another date with Katie."

Carson shivered slightly as he looked at Rodney's arm.

"Don't worry, Cadman isn't getting anywhere near it."

"I thought we vowed never to speak of it again?"

He stood up straight and watched Rodney's face. He shifted a little on the bed and rubbed the back of his neck with his good arm.

"Yeah. Anyway, how's my arm?"

"Fine. Most likely a pulled muscle. You just need to rest it. And what's this about you _did _have a date."

"It was supposed to be tomorrow night, but she pulled out."

"I wonder why?"

They both smiled at each other, before grimacing once again.

"I wonder why too? Though it's clear you two know something I don't."

Carson turned to find John Sheppard looking at them intently. There was a glint in his eye that would worry any sane person.

"We don't know anything."

Carson hurried off leaving Rodney and John alone.

John took a few steps forward until he had blocked of Rodney's main escape route.

"What's going on tomorrow night?"

"Nothing."

"There must be something. I know you're lying. Your eyes are darting around the room instead of just meeting mine. You're beginning to sweat profusely. You look nervous. You know something, now tell me."

He reached out as if he was going to grab Rodney's arm. He shifted back and held up his other arm.

"Look, there's a girls poker night. Tomorrow night must be when it's on."

"A girls poker night? And no one told me? How do you know?"

"Yes, because you are clearly going to do something and Cadman."

John was grinning like a kid in a sweet shop.

"Where?"

"I don't know that one."

John raised an eyebrow.

"No really, I don't know."

With a sigh, John stepped back a little allowing Rodney to stand up.

"Can I go now Sheppard?"

"Sure."

Rodney walked around him and hurried out of the infirmary before John could interrogate him anymore.

John spent the rest of the day trying to find out more about the location. He tried eavesdropping on conversations, but he got nothing. He tried to drop hints to a few of the women, but they just walked away. He even took a look at the network to see if there was some sort of booking sheet, but there was only one for the TV room. In the end, he decided to wait till the next night and then follow some people before sneaking in.

He didn't even have to wait that long. The next morning, he saw a couple of women carrying an armful of snacks. He discreetly followed them to a rec room near the control centre. Once they'd deposited their goods, he took a look in the room.

Inside, there were a few tables and chairs stacked up at one side. The snacks were on the pile of tables, but that wasn't important to him. On the opposite side, there was a door. John went across and opened it, to reveal a small storage cupboard. It was perfect. He could hide in there and listen to all the conversations. He knew from experience that women told each other everything.

He left the room with a smirk, now all he had to do was waste a few hours until he could go back and hide. All he had to do was hope he got there before the women.

When he got to the room, he was glad to find that they hadn't yet arrived. He hurried across and went into the cupboard. He began to shut the door, but with a bit of manipulation using his gene, he managed to keep it slightly open. Not knowing how long they'd be, he sat down and peered out of the crack in the door.

It wasn't long before people began to arrive. He recognised a few, scientists and soldiers alike. Cadman was one of the first to arrive, along with Katie. John smirked as he remembered what had happened with Cadman before. They all worked together to get the tables set out in a large square. They placed chairs around, and few near the walls. They brought out glasses for the drinks someone had brought and bowls to put the snacks in. They were all talking quietly, and what he had heard was of very little interest.

He heard the door open and a very familiar voice.

"Sorry I'm late. People always have to follow me."

John froze in the cupboard. Elizabeth was at the poker night. Then he began to smile, this was going to be more fun than he expected.

They all took their seats and someone dealt out the cards. John took a quick count; there were about 15 women there. And none of them seemed to have noticed that the cupboard was partially open.

"So, what's new this week?"

Cadman appeared to be taking the lead in the situation, though he wasn't sure. They were all sat higher than him now. With a very quiet sigh, he pulled himself to his feet, being careful not to disturb anything.

A few of the women were talking quietly together, and everyone was watching their cards. No one seemed to be answering the question.

"Well, I was supposed to be a on a date tonight."

Hello. Now things were getting interesting.

"Really Katie, with the dashing Doctor McKay by any chance?"

Cadman snorted loudly.

"Sorry."

A few giggled slightly. John could see that Elizabeth was smiling softly.

"Thanks. And yes, with Rodney."

"Aww. I think you two make such a cute couple."

Katie smiled grew even more at the comment from another scientist.

"So Cadman, made any progress with Carson?"

John bit down hard on his lip; he just wanted to laugh far too much.

"Not yet. I think we'll just have to wait a little longer. I think memories of what happened last time still haunt him."

Most of the table laughed loudly. John let out a slight laugh, unable to hold it in. The woman nearest the cupboard turned slightly. John ducked out of the way and clamped a hand over his mouth.

"What about everyone else? Anyone got their eye on someone?"

Most of the women mumbled a few names. John was sorely disappointed that he couldn't hear any of them.

"Come on Elizabeth, you haven't said anything yet. You must have some great gossip."

John moved back to look through the gap. Elizabeth looked up from her cards. He could see the smirk on her face and the devious glint in her eyes.

"I've heard a few things. Unfortunately, most people clam up when their boss walks past. I'm convinced most of the time they're talking about me."

"Well, what have you heard?"

"I heard Rodney hurt his arm working out."

John grinned, he hadn't found out why Rodney had been in the infirmary. He saw Katie blushing out of the corner of his eye.

"I've also heard some things about a certain Lieutenant Colonel."

John nearly choked on his breath. That meant him.

"Really?"

All the women were interested now. John Sheppard was a very curious man. Most women had a crush on him, and all of them liked hearing anything about him.

"I heard he's been acting very strangely recently. Sneaking around the city. Talking to a lot of people, mainly women. Listening in on certain conversations."

"Maybe he's hooked up with someone and he wants to make sure it's a secret."

"Maybe he's looking to hook up with someone, and wants to know more about her."

"Maybe it's not a her and he scared about people finding out."

Everyone was yelling suggestions now. They kept getting more ridiculous, and most of them were getting more lewd.

John took a step back from the door and leaned against the back wall. Maybe listening in wasn't such a good idea.

Suddenly, everyone went quiet.

"According to most people I've spoken to, he was dropping hints into conversations."

Over the mumbled voices, he could hear a chair being scraped back.

"Nothing like that ladies, please. No, this was more likely to do with finding a location for something."

He could hear footsteps getting louder. He had a big problem.

"And he was seen following a couple of women this morning."

The footsteps stopped and a shadow crossed the gap in the door.

The door slid open and John found himself face to face with Elizabeth. She was still smirking and the devious glint seemed even brighter.

"Hello John."

Grabbing his arm, she dragged him out into the room. The women all gasped and glared at him.

"Hey everyone. I think I'll be going now."

He tried to pull loose, but Elizabeth was holding him tight. She pulled him around and forced him into her empty chair. She stood in front if him, hands on hips, smiling softly. If John wasn't so worried about what was going to happen, he'd find this kind of hot.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Cadman standing up, along with the rest of the women. He looked back at Elizabeth.

"What are you going to do to me?"

Elizabeth didn't reply. John watched helplessly as the rest of the women surrounded him.

"Let's get to work ladies."

* * *

The first thing Rodney noticed when he left his quarters the next morning was that the corridors were very empty. The second thing was that there was music coming over the speakers. It took a few moments, but he eventually identified it. It was Aerosmith, 'Dude Looks Like a Lady'.

He was feeling very confused, so he decided to head down to the control centre to find out what was going on.

When he got there, he found there to be a crowd of people blocking the end of the corridor. He managed to push past them until he came out at the front. The sight that met him was one of the most interesting he'd ever seen.

In front of the Gate, there was a chair. Tied to this chair was John Sheppard. Or at least he assumed it was John Sheppard. Whoever it was, they were wearing a rather fetching blonde wig, alone with full facial make up. The red blusher and blue eye shadow had been exaggerated. The bright pink lipstick finished it off.

It took a few more seconds for Rodney to register that John had been stripped down to his boxer shorts. On top of that, there was a sign around his neck.

'Ladies only means ladies only.'

Rodney shook his head slowly trying desperately to work out who would do this.

A fresh bout of laughter from above made him look up.

On the balcony near Elizabeth's office, stood a group of women. He was amazed to find Elizabeth and Cadman stood at the front of the group. They were all laughing hard. Pinned to the bars of the balcony were the rest of John's clothes. He could see Katie stood at one side waving at him. He waved back, being careful to distract Elizabeth and Cadman.

If John was anything to go by, he didn't want to cross them.

"Hey, we've all had a good laugh. Now will someone untie me! I can make it an order if I have to."

"There's no need John, I'll just override any order you make."

"Elizabeth!"

"Sorry John, you have to learn."

Elizabeth turned and left the balcony along with the rest of the women. Slowly but surely, the crowd that had gathered left too. They all had much more important things to deal with.

"Guys, please don't leave me like this. Anyone. Help me!"

John struggled against the bonds, but they had tied the knots well.

"I'm gonna get you for this Elizabeth! Mark my words!"


End file.
